Spirituality at Sanatan Ashram Ponda

What about spirituality at Sanatan Ashram Ponda? Am I really doing anything to increase my spiritual knowledge? Is Sanatan Sanstha teaching me about any significant spiritual practices? Well, if you consider personality defect removal process or PDR as a significant spiritual practice, then I spend a considerable part of my time in spiritual practice. I also attend several satsangs; the topics are generally repetitive and stress on Dr Jayant Athavale and his beliefs. Some of them are about naamjap and the importance of different names of God and which name we should chant. Overall, I must be spending about 4-6 hours daily in these activities, but as I am also involved in other sevas; I am part of the Swagat Kaksh at Sanatan Ashram Ponda, it is less.

Sevas equal Spirituality at Sanatan Sanstha

Other sadhaks at Sanatan Ashram Ponda spend considerable time doing naamjap. I know several sadhaks who would spend upwards to 10 hours in this chanting activity. They had several personality defects and the sanstha had advised them that chanting only could rid them of their personality defects.

All sadhaks had to participate in various activities inside the ashram. It operated as a cooperative society with responsibilities divided among the various members. We were not paid anything for the time and effort spent in these sevas. It was said that these sevas were meant to be part of our spiritual practices. I fail to understand how a service at the ashram qualifies as spiritual practices while the same done at one’s home does not. I could not raise such queries otherwise I would again have to do penance; I had experienced it many times. My attitude of questioning had landed me in hot waters

many times and though I had full faith in Dr Jayant Athavale, I was learning how to handle politics in Sanatan Sanstha. This was definitely politics; or was it? Was it a psychological method aimed at mind control. Was Sanatan using these techniques to strengthen their hold over us, using this to control our minds? Why were we unable to question such practises, why, we – independent women in our own rights, unable to raise our voices against injustices? Why were we helpless, why did we feel hopeless?

Spirituality at Sanatan Ashram Ponda

We give free service to Sanatan Ashram Ponda and equate it with spirituality. It is true across ashrams across India and maybe the rest of the world. There is nothing wrong about this. What is wrong is that only occupants of the ashram must give this seva. Outsiders, including sadhaks are not required to do this. They can spend their time as they want to. We stay at the ashram of Sanatan Sanstha and we do not or cannot pay for our lodging and boarding. The sanstha recovers the cost in this manner. They use us as slaves. As it is cloaked in spirituality, we do not feel a burden. But frankly, we are slaves of Dr Jayant Athavale both in mind and body. We are not independent; we cannot think independently. Sanatan Sanstha has taken away this ability from us and we are proud of this fact.

God, please help us to come out of this maya jaal. Only you can save us from Dr Jayant Athavale and Sanatan Sanstha. Many sadhaks staying at Sanatan Ashram Ponda pray to God to seek His intervention; He blesses only some of us.

Reassignment at Sanatan Ashram Ponda

Sanatan Sanstha punishes me for a minor slip of the tongue at one satsang at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. I get very emotional about this but do not let it affect my resolve. I am firm that I will serve my Guru Dr Jayant Athavale and seek spiritual growth under his guidance. I am ready to enlist my daughter into the fold of Sanatan and also reach out to my husband. In short, I am ready to do anything. Anything except see the writing on the wall. The writing clearly says that Sanatan Sanstha practices mind control techniques; it lures women and men alike and controls their minds; makes them do what the sanstha wants.

 Swagat kaksh at Sanatan Ashram Ponda

I think my resolve wins in the end and I am reassigned to be part of the Swagat Kaksh at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. Every day I report to the main reception area. My job is to handle the telephone console and pass on important messages to the concerned sadhaks. I should be aware of the various activities of the ashram as well as arrival and departure of many important sadhaks. I am also responsible for informing them about any raids by police or any other government agencies. The responsibility is enormous as Sanatan Sanstha has been raided several times in the past. However, in most cases, they were unable to find what they were after. It is the responsibility of the Swagat Kaksh at Sanatan Ashram Ponda to give information as fast as possible so that necessary arrangements can be made.

I take this as a challenging job and handle all the calls.

Frantic relatives and a stone wall

I also serve as a stone wall between frantic relatives and runaway sadhaks. I must have encountered about a dozen such cases. When a runaway sadhak reaches Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi, we generally put a safety net over her. She is handled very carefully. The relatives may lure her away from Sanatan Sanstha else they may create a ruckus at the ashram premises. We actually like it if they create a scene and pick up a fight. Our media arm has good connections with sympathetic media organizations. These media persons can reach the ashram within minutes and cover the whole episode very well. They also give a sympathetic angle so that Sanatan comes out like a good organization being harassed by evil doers.

This has a ripple effect and our sadhaks who wish to fly away to the ashram are motivated to do so. We also attract several other seekers. The concerned sadhak also loses faith in her family and starts trusting Sanatan Sanstha completely. She becomes a permanent feature at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. She hands over control of mind to Dr Jayant Athavale.

Apart from this seva, I have to offer seva in the kitchen. Now, I get sufficient time to attend all satsangs and also participate in many activities. I get my food on time. I think that I am redeemed finally and Sanatan Sanstha has finally and totally accepted me.

I belong to Dr Jayant Athavale and Sanatan Sanstha.

Sanatan Sanstha does not trust me

Some of the changes were subtle, but I got a feeling that Sanatan Sanstha does not trust me. I had tried to hide my true feelings, but they had read them. I could not meet my rakshak alone, nor could I call anybody without someone within earshot. My privacy was being invaded and I could do nothing about it.

Life goes on

I decided to shake off the feeling and continue with life. The next time my husband called me up, I was in Sanatan Ashram Ponda. I spoke normally with him; I knew that some sadhak was trying to listen to our conversation. I did not leave the room. I did not question him about my father; in fact, I did not speak to him about my father. Let him and the sanstha think that I am still unaware of my father’s condition. I had to think this out; I had to seek answers to several questions, I was still unaware of the questions.

The nights used to be spent in thinking; in compartmentalizing my doubts. Two important questions were

• Why did my husband not tell me about my father’s condition?
• Would Sanatan Sanstha stop me from visiting my father?

I had no idea what was going on; I was boiling inside but still the show had to go on.

I confront my husband

Things slowly started reverting back to normal once again at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. Sadhaks lost interest in me. I was becoming my old self again and had put the news behind me – or had I? Outwardly, I became normal, went out every day for prachar seva; attended all personality defect removal satsangs, spent time in chanting, would praise the Chaitanya of the ashram.

Inwardly, it was different.

I got an opportunity to speak to my husband from outside the Sanatan Sanstha Ashram. I used to call him only at night. This would ensure that we could speak freely without any disturbance and for a long period of time. But, one day, I called him from the bus stand. My minder had wandered off somewhere and I made sure that he was not nearby.

I called my husband. He picked up after many rings. I asked him straight away why had he hidden my father’s illness from me? What right did he have to hide such things from me?

He did not speak for quite some time, he allowed me to cool down. He offered no excuses, he just said that they thought that I did not care. I did not care about my family. I was beyond caring. They had called, my brother had called me as well as the swagat kaksh at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. I had not responded to either call. He had come to the ashram; he was told that I was not interested in meeting him. He had told the sadhaks at the counter that my father was hospitalized. They refused to let him meet me.

This was another shock. My husband does not lie. He must be speaking the truth.

I remembered that my brother had tried to meet me at the Sanatan Sanstha Ashram. I was busy in some work and I did not meet him. I remembered that he had called me several times. I was busy and had not responded. But, the ashram had not passed on the message about my father’s illness. They had not told me that he was hospitalized.

My rakshak was right after all. I could not trust Sanatan Sanstha. 

Sanatan Sanstha welcomes my family

Sanatan Sanstha is keeping me so busy with different sevas that I appear to have lost count of time. I no longer remember the date or the day. There are no calendars around Sanatan Sanstha Ashram and it was really difficult to keep track of time. I had a mobile with me but I used it very sparingly, checking on it only once a day or so.

My husband visits Sanatan Sanstha

Anyhow, after about a week, I think, my husband finally came to see me at the Sanatan Sanstha Ashram. He had called the previous day to confirm if I am available. I was very excited about the visit as I would be seeing my daughter after almost a month. I could not sleep that night.

I took special care that day and woke up early at around 4 am. As per our daily schedule, we would wake up at 5 am and start the day with prayers and chanting. I woke up an hour early to thank my Guru; Dr Jayant Athavale. He had made this visit possible otherwise my husband would have never visited Sanatan Ashram Ponda. Now, he would feel the Chaitanya of the ashram and would understand my work. He would accept the sanstha totally and allow me to continue my good work and start supporting Sanatan. Maybe, he would also join me in the sanstha. I was a little bit worried that he would lose his temper and create a scene there.

Sanatan Sanstha prepares for the visit

I was assured by Sanatan Sanstha that he would not be able to force me back to my home. They counselled me that he would not join the sanstha though I wished for it. He was a total non-believer and would never support me. The sadhaks reminded me of the insults he had uttered against the sanstha. this was not correct, he had never insulted me or the sanstha, he had only opposed it. But I could not bring myself to reveal this to them. They were not willing to listen to me. They drummed up several accusations against my husband and they did it just before his visit.

I was also asked to make him wait for at least an hour before meeting him.

Sanatan Sanstha appeared to be instigating me very purposefully. I had no other option but to follow their instructions. After all, I could not think logically anymore.

As per their instructions, I made him wait for more than an hour before meeting him. I refused to meet him alone and insisted that a sadhak remain present with me always. I was very surprised to see him alone, I was expecting my daughter. He did not offer any explanations. The sadhak, I don’t remember his name, started by explaning to my husband the reasons for my flight. He heaped accusations on my husband and called him many vile names. As per the instructions, I also got into the act and accused him of gross negligence.

He was silent through-out the tirade, he did not utter anything in his defence. In fact, he was very calm and composed. Even when I refused to come back with him, he did not argue with me and neither did he cajole me to come back. After about an hour or so, another sadhak offered to show him around Sanatan Ashram Ponda. He only requested me to accompany him. I agreed as I was also emotionally drained and wanted to see his reactions. The tour ended in 10-15 minutes as he was not at all interested. I took him to the Dyan Mandir as I knew that he spent a considerable time in meditation even at home. After a couple of minutes, he left me and reached the Swagat Kaksh of Sanatan Ashram Ponda on his own.

I followed him downstairs but, in order to avoid spending time with him alone, I took another lady sadhak with me. He did not utter any words and I was waiting to see a positive reaction from him, one that would indicate that he had accepted my decision and had changed his attitude towards Sanatan Sanstha. There were no expressions on his face; neither of happiness, acceptance or even sadness. He handed me some clothes and some money. I felt like refusing him but I had little option. I was running out of money and I had no clothes of my own. He enquired about my health and asked me to take care of myself. He would always be behind me and would help me in all possible manner.

I felt like crying when he said this because I knew that he would keep his promise no matter what sacrifices he had to make. I told him that I just wanted to meet my daughter and if he could bring her to visit the ashram. He expressed some reservations about bringing her.

The visit was an anti-climax. I had tried my level best to provoke him into a fight. I had tried all my old tactics, but he refused to have a fight. Sanatan Sanstha had also provoked him and insulted him in front of me yet he refused to lose his temper. It appears that this round went to him, he succeeded and I failed. I was now afraid that Sanatan would take out their ire on me.

But for me, it was

Broken Dreams and Broken lives.