Sanatan Sanstha does not trust me

Some of the changes were subtle, but I got a feeling that Sanatan Sanstha does not trust me. I had tried to hide my true feelings, but they had read them. I could not meet my rakshak alone, nor could I call anybody without someone within earshot. My privacy was being invaded and I could do nothing about it.

Life goes on

I decided to shake off the feeling and continue with life. The next time my husband called me up, I was in Sanatan Ashram Ponda. I spoke normally with him; I knew that some sadhak was trying to listen to our conversation. I did not leave the room. I did not question him about my father; in fact, I did not speak to him about my father. Let him and the sanstha think that I am still unaware of my father’s condition. I had to think this out; I had to seek answers to several questions, I was still unaware of the questions.

The nights used to be spent in thinking; in compartmentalizing my doubts. Two important questions were

• Why did my husband not tell me about my father’s condition?
• Would Sanatan Sanstha stop me from visiting my father?

I had no idea what was going on; I was boiling inside but still the show had to go on.

I confront my husband

Things slowly started reverting back to normal once again at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. Sadhaks lost interest in me. I was becoming my old self again and had put the news behind me – or had I? Outwardly, I became normal, went out every day for prachar seva; attended all personality defect removal satsangs, spent time in chanting, would praise the Chaitanya of the ashram.

Inwardly, it was different.

I got an opportunity to speak to my husband from outside the Sanatan Sanstha Ashram. I used to call him only at night. This would ensure that we could speak freely without any disturbance and for a long period of time. But, one day, I called him from the bus stand. My minder had wandered off somewhere and I made sure that he was not nearby.

I called my husband. He picked up after many rings. I asked him straight away why had he hidden my father’s illness from me? What right did he have to hide such things from me?

He did not speak for quite some time, he allowed me to cool down. He offered no excuses, he just said that they thought that I did not care. I did not care about my family. I was beyond caring. They had called, my brother had called me as well as the swagat kaksh at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. I had not responded to either call. He had come to the ashram; he was told that I was not interested in meeting him. He had told the sadhaks at the counter that my father was hospitalized. They refused to let him meet me.

This was another shock. My husband does not lie. He must be speaking the truth.

I remembered that my brother had tried to meet me at the Sanatan Sanstha Ashram. I was busy in some work and I did not meet him. I remembered that he had called me several times. I was busy and had not responded. But, the ashram had not passed on the message about my father’s illness. They had not told me that he was hospitalized.

My rakshak was right after all. I could not trust Sanatan Sanstha.