Sanatan Sanstha had appointed a coordinator – I referred to her as my rakshak (bodyguard), during the first week at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. She was my soul mate during the stay at the Sanstha and we still manage to keep in touch. She never shared any personal details with me but she was an angel to me. She would fuss around me like a mother hen. I appreciate her help and have promised myself that I will do anything to rescue her from the clutches of the sanstha.
Rakshak and her melancholy
She was different from others, I got the feeling that even when she was with me night and day at Sanatan Sanstha. She was always smiling – all sadhaks at Sanatan Ashram Ponda do it as a matter of practise. But her smile had a sense of melancholy, well-hidden but still present. She would not share anything personal with me but after some time; particularly when she felt that I was about to leave the sanstha, she opened up. She opened up so that I could realise my dilemma and take a positive step. She was always eager to help and would be the first to volunteer for any seva, she did not like to go out and meet people but still she forced herself to take outside seva. She hid her emotions very well but I noticed tears behind her eyes many times. She found my behaviour very erratic and was always ready to criticise. She would not mind if I stopped talking to her, started ignoring her. She was patient, waiting for me to speak up and then she would behave as if nothing had gone wrong between us.
She was an enigma. She appeared to practise all that was preached by Sanatan Sanstha yet she was not affected by it. She had her mind and was not afraid to use it when required. The sanstha appeared to be in awe of her and generally left her alone.
No contact no worries
Unlike my case, she did not receive any visitors nor did she receive any calls from her family. She always had a plain and simple mobile with her and I caught her several times as if she was waiting for a call. Always waiting for a call, always expecting a call, but nobody ever called her up and she also never seemed to call anybody. She always wore simple sarees donated to the ashram. Her blouses were all ill-fitting but she carried herself with aplomb. She appeared to be surviving on the donation given by Sanatan Ashram Ponda. The sanstha gave some pocket money to women sadhaks for out of pocket expenses. It was given only to those whose families did not support them and was not given to male sadhaks.
She had dark complexion but very sharp features and long hair. A beautiful and striking woman. She appeared to be middle aged like me but the worry lines on her face gave an impression of wisdom gained through pain and experience rather than age.
Did she have a family? Was there somebody waiting for her return? What was the secret behind her melancholy?
She would go out of the way to help me. This was limited to me only as to others she was helpful but she never crossed a limit and kept her distance from everyone else. I, too, felt drawn to her and shared several intimate secrets with her even before I trusted her completely.
Was my trust and confidence misplaced? Was the rakshak an informer of my husband or worse still of Sanatan Sanstha? Would the rakshak become a bhakshak?
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