Heartbreak corner – Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi

I have a very tight schedule at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. This leaves me little time to speak with my family; I am so tired sometimes that I cannot even respond to their phone calls. My husband is very understanding. The fights we had early on have now given way to some civilised conversation; I still need him to provide for money, clothes and other essentials of life. Though others think that I have taken Sannyas, I still live a life of Grishta ashram and follow the practises of Sanatan Sanstha. The only difference is that I live in an ashram and don’t have any responsibilities towards my family, my responsibility is only towards my Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale.

Deep Hurt

I am also deeply hurt that my parents have contacted me only once. I spoke to them after I landed at Sanatan Ashram Panvel. I am very close to my father and his attitude has hurt me very badly. How can he not understand the inner feelings of his little daughter? Why is he so insensitive, why has he become so uncaring? I refuse the sanstha’s explanation that demonic spirits are controlling him; my father cannot be possessed by evil spirits; he is too strong for them.

The H-bomb and my numbness

One day while waiting for a bus back to Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi, I run into an old acquaintance staying near my parent’s house. On seeing me, he tries to turn away, but I run after him. I must speak to him; I have to speak to him. Why does he have to run away? Have I done something wrong? I am doing good work, I am promoting Sanatan Dharma, what is wrong about it?

After exchanging niceties, he again tries to dodge me. He avoids my searching eyes; he is hiding something from me.

I finally muster enough courage to ask him about my parents. I accuse them of being insensitive and uncaring. He flinches and then becomes angry, very angry. He shouts at me. I am shocked. His wife takes me on one side and asks me softly when was the last time I spoke to my parents.

I know something is wrong, something is seriously wrong.

Her next words are more shattering; they ring in my ears; they still do after so many years.

She tells me that soon after I left, my father suffered from a paralytic stoke and his entire left side has been affected. He cannot speak or he refuses to speak.

I am devastated, shocked and numbed. I search for words but find none.

They leave immediately without answering any further questions. I am also not in the condition to ask any more questions.

I am drained, all my life juices have flown out of me.

Like a robot, I reach Sanatan Ashram Ponda.

Why me? What have I done wrong? Why should I be punished like this?