Rakshak to the defence – again

The shock is too much for me. I have not attended any session in the evening nor have I eaten dinner. I refuse to speak to anyone. I am not crying, I am beyond crying. For the time in more than 40 years, I feel I am alone; totally alone in this world. I hate my husband; he should have at least told me. Why did he always lie that they were okay? That they did not want to talk to me. Why did my little brother not talk to me?

A helping hand

I am lying on my bed; I am unable to sleep. All around me, sadhaks are going through the daily routine prescribed by Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. I am all alone in this vast world. I feel like I am falling in a big black hole. I can only think of my father; waiting for his darling Barbie to come and see him. I think of running away, running away from Sanatan Sanstha for a day and dashing off to see my father.

I feel a hand on my head, a little after midnight, after everyone has gone to sleep. My rakshak whispers in my ear softly and asks me to follow her. She takes me to a small room, a small dark room and closes the door. She takes me in her arms and whispers in my ears. I cannot control myself and start crying – not sobbing but crying softly. She lets me cry my heart out. When I cannot cry anymore she gives me a glass of water and some biscuits to eat. I don’t know from where she has managed these. She is dependent on the sanstha’s handouts for her daily needs.

I tell her about the news, about my father, about his illness. I open up about everything, I open my heart out. And start crying again.

The morning after

Sometime during all this, she leads me to another room with a bed and makes me go to sleep. I wake up to find her sitting on a stool holding my hand and staring at nothing. She seems to be crying. I again drift into sleep.

She wakes me up at around 5 am. Asks me to freshen up and wash my face with cold water. After I am through, she preaches me, preaches about how life is not always a bed of roses. But, most important of all, she advices me on how to handle the situation. She tells me how Sanatan Sanstha functions and what actions they will take if they know that I am thinking of visiting my parents. She coaches me and coaxes me to remain firm, strong and behave as if everything is okay. I have to maintain my routine; I have to continue with life.

There is no escape; I cannot escape. It is my prarabdha and I have to live through it; I have to experience it myself. My karmas during this time will define what I am and what I can become.