Sanatan Sanstha does not trust me

Some of the changes were subtle, but I got a feeling that Sanatan Sanstha does not trust me. I had tried to hide my true feelings, but they had read them. I could not meet my rakshak alone, nor could I call anybody without someone within earshot. My privacy was being invaded and I could do nothing about it.

Life goes on

I decided to shake off the feeling and continue with life. The next time my husband called me up, I was in Sanatan Ashram Ponda. I spoke normally with him; I knew that some sadhak was trying to listen to our conversation. I did not leave the room. I did not question him about my father; in fact, I did not speak to him about my father. Let him and the sanstha think that I am still unaware of my father’s condition. I had to think this out; I had to seek answers to several questions, I was still unaware of the questions.

The nights used to be spent in thinking; in compartmentalizing my doubts. Two important questions were

• Why did my husband not tell me about my father’s condition?
• Would Sanatan Sanstha stop me from visiting my father?

I had no idea what was going on; I was boiling inside but still the show had to go on.

I confront my husband

Things slowly started reverting back to normal once again at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. Sadhaks lost interest in me. I was becoming my old self again and had put the news behind me – or had I? Outwardly, I became normal, went out every day for prachar seva; attended all personality defect removal satsangs, spent time in chanting, would praise the Chaitanya of the ashram.

Inwardly, it was different.

I got an opportunity to speak to my husband from outside the Sanatan Sanstha Ashram. I used to call him only at night. This would ensure that we could speak freely without any disturbance and for a long period of time. But, one day, I called him from the bus stand. My minder had wandered off somewhere and I made sure that he was not nearby.

I called my husband. He picked up after many rings. I asked him straight away why had he hidden my father’s illness from me? What right did he have to hide such things from me?

He did not speak for quite some time, he allowed me to cool down. He offered no excuses, he just said that they thought that I did not care. I did not care about my family. I was beyond caring. They had called, my brother had called me as well as the swagat kaksh at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. I had not responded to either call. He had come to the ashram; he was told that I was not interested in meeting him. He had told the sadhaks at the counter that my father was hospitalized. They refused to let him meet me.

This was another shock. My husband does not lie. He must be speaking the truth.

I remembered that my brother had tried to meet me at the Sanatan Sanstha Ashram. I was busy in some work and I did not meet him. I remembered that he had called me several times. I was busy and had not responded. But, the ashram had not passed on the message about my father’s illness. They had not told me that he was hospitalized.

My rakshak was right after all. I could not trust Sanatan Sanstha. 

No escape route from Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi

I am deeply affected on hearing about the paralytic stroke attack on my father and want to leave Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi for a day and visit him. My rakshak, an angel in disguise advises me against doing so. What is the harm, why would Sanatan Sanstha not allow me to do so? I will come back; I want to come back. My spiritual journey has just started under the guidance of Dr Jayant Athavale. I don’t want to discontinue it.

No exit door at Sanatan Sanstha

I don’t believe that there is no exit door in Sanatan Sanstha. I have been told repeatedly that the doors of Sanatan Sanstha Ramnathi are always open, we can come anytime we want to and leave whenever we want to. Then, why does my rakshak say otherwise? Does she have any previous experience? She refuses to discuss this any further.

I need to start thinking on these lines. But my mind just does not cooperate. On one hand, I want to go immediately and inform the sanstha about the advice given by my rakshak. But, something stops me just in time. I don’t disclose anything about the conversation in the next day’s personality defect removal process. I am asked about the previous day and the reason for my actions. I cook up a story. The sadhaks don’t believe me but they don’t question me either. I can feel that they have lost a little bit of trust in me.

End of trust

Sanatan Sanstha takes some measures immediately. I am still allowed to go out but now sadhaks pick me from Sanatan Sanstha Ashram and drop me back inside it. I am not left alone for a single minute. There are other restrictions, I can feel them. I am shadowed continuously even in the Sanatan Ashram Ponda. It is not obvious but I can feel it. A sadhak always accompanies me for all the activities. I know her as she has been in the ashram for quite some years. She tries to gain my trust. She offers to share new information or help me with clothes. But, in my heart, I simply cannot trust her.

I feel all alone now. I cannot meet my rakshak even for one minute. I cannot attend any phone calls; she is always within earshot. She sleeps on the bed next to mine. I feel as if I am trapped.

Why should I feel trapped? Is it my mind that is playing tricks on me? Am I imagining thinks; searching for evil intensions where none exists?

Sanatan Sanstha is educating people on the proper Dharma, it is giving education; scientific education on Hindu Dharma, why should it restrict people leaving the organization? There is no reason to do it. I think, my mind is playing tricks on me. Perhaps, the rakshak is not a good person, she seems to have evil intensions and is trying to defame Sanatan.

I am confused. On one hand I am very much concerned about my father’s health, and on another I am worried about the sanstha.

Rakshak to the defence – again

The shock is too much for me. I have not attended any session in the evening nor have I eaten dinner. I refuse to speak to anyone. I am not crying, I am beyond crying. For the time in more than 40 years, I feel I am alone; totally alone in this world. I hate my husband; he should have at least told me. Why did he always lie that they were okay? That they did not want to talk to me. Why did my little brother not talk to me?

A helping hand

I am lying on my bed; I am unable to sleep. All around me, sadhaks are going through the daily routine prescribed by Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. I am all alone in this vast world. I feel like I am falling in a big black hole. I can only think of my father; waiting for his darling Barbie to come and see him. I think of running away, running away from Sanatan Sanstha for a day and dashing off to see my father.

I feel a hand on my head, a little after midnight, after everyone has gone to sleep. My rakshak whispers in my ear softly and asks me to follow her. She takes me to a small room, a small dark room and closes the door. She takes me in her arms and whispers in my ears. I cannot control myself and start crying – not sobbing but crying softly. She lets me cry my heart out. When I cannot cry anymore she gives me a glass of water and some biscuits to eat. I don’t know from where she has managed these. She is dependent on the sanstha’s handouts for her daily needs.

I tell her about the news, about my father, about his illness. I open up about everything, I open my heart out. And start crying again.

The morning after

Sometime during all this, she leads me to another room with a bed and makes me go to sleep. I wake up to find her sitting on a stool holding my hand and staring at nothing. She seems to be crying. I again drift into sleep.

She wakes me up at around 5 am. Asks me to freshen up and wash my face with cold water. After I am through, she preaches me, preaches about how life is not always a bed of roses. But, most important of all, she advices me on how to handle the situation. She tells me how Sanatan Sanstha functions and what actions they will take if they know that I am thinking of visiting my parents. She coaches me and coaxes me to remain firm, strong and behave as if everything is okay. I have to maintain my routine; I have to continue with life.

There is no escape; I cannot escape. It is my prarabdha and I have to live through it; I have to experience it myself. My karmas during this time will define what I am and what I can become.

Heartbreak corner – Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi

I have a very tight schedule at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. This leaves me little time to speak with my family; I am so tired sometimes that I cannot even respond to their phone calls. My husband is very understanding. The fights we had early on have now given way to some civilised conversation; I still need him to provide for money, clothes and other essentials of life. Though others think that I have taken Sannyas, I still live a life of Grishta ashram and follow the practises of Sanatan Sanstha. The only difference is that I live in an ashram and don’t have any responsibilities towards my family, my responsibility is only towards my Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale.

Deep Hurt

I am also deeply hurt that my parents have contacted me only once. I spoke to them after I landed at Sanatan Ashram Panvel. I am very close to my father and his attitude has hurt me very badly. How can he not understand the inner feelings of his little daughter? Why is he so insensitive, why has he become so uncaring? I refuse the sanstha’s explanation that demonic spirits are controlling him; my father cannot be possessed by evil spirits; he is too strong for them.

The H-bomb and my numbness

One day while waiting for a bus back to Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi, I run into an old acquaintance staying near my parent’s house. On seeing me, he tries to turn away, but I run after him. I must speak to him; I have to speak to him. Why does he have to run away? Have I done something wrong? I am doing good work, I am promoting Sanatan Dharma, what is wrong about it?

After exchanging niceties, he again tries to dodge me. He avoids my searching eyes; he is hiding something from me.

I finally muster enough courage to ask him about my parents. I accuse them of being insensitive and uncaring. He flinches and then becomes angry, very angry. He shouts at me. I am shocked. His wife takes me on one side and asks me softly when was the last time I spoke to my parents.

I know something is wrong, something is seriously wrong.

Her next words are more shattering; they ring in my ears; they still do after so many years.

She tells me that soon after I left, my father suffered from a paralytic stoke and his entire left side has been affected. He cannot speak or he refuses to speak.

I am devastated, shocked and numbed. I search for words but find none.

They leave immediately without answering any further questions. I am also not in the condition to ask any more questions.

I am drained, all my life juices have flown out of me.

Like a robot, I reach Sanatan Ashram Ponda.

Why me? What have I done wrong? Why should I be punished like this?

Afternoon sessions and Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi

The pre-lunch sessions can stretch quite long as I have a tight schedule dictated by Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. There are times when I miss my lunch. As Sanatan Sanstha has adviced me not to eat food outside, I spend many days without any proper food. It is a small sacrifice I make in the service of my Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale and I do not mind it at all; in fact, I am quite proud of this and other sadhaks praise this attitude.

Post-lunch Sessions and Satsangs

Even though I may not have eaten anything, I still must attend the afternoon satsangs. Several personality defects have been identified in the morning sessions and I must do penance to rid them from my inner self. This will enable me to lose myself and my identity. The subjects of these satsangs revolve around Gurukrupayoga, personality defect removal process, importance of Samashti seva as well as importance of traditions and different festivals as prescribed by Sanatan Dharma. Sanatan Sanstha has a very good collection of publications and through the scientific research conducted by Spiritual Science Research Foundation or SSRF in short, they have explained the scientific reasoning behind our traditions.

There are several repetitions in the subjects, I do not mind this. I am still a novice and have a lot to learn. I have sacrificed my life to sit in the lap of my Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale.

Post afternoon sessions

I leave for my prachar work as soon as the satsangs end. I spend about four hours in the morning and afternoon prachar sessions. The return to Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi is around 7 pm, just in time for a light dinner. Dinner is very simple and consists of rice and dal. The hectic schedule and the Chaitanya of the ashram ensures that my diet intake is very less.

I do not mind even though I have lost a lot of weight during the three months at Sanatan Ashram Ponda.

Once our dinner is over, we attend a session of personality defect removal process for a couple of hours. Then, we have free time. We spend this time discussing various issues facing the country and the excellent steps undertaken by Sanatan Sanstha to resolve them. Such discussions generally last for two to three hours and it is generally 11 pm by the time I go to sleep. I don’t feel like sleeping and hence I spend at least another hour or two in doing naamjap – chanting.

I am accountable to my time and feel that sleep is actually a waste of time. I should rather use this time for some productive work. Contacting my family is also a waste of time. I don’t have anything to discuss with them. I don’t attend to their calls most of the days. I hope they get the message and leave me alone. I will contact me when I need something from them, like clothes and money. Otherwise, they should not worry about me and disturb me in my seva. Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi is taking good care and has everything I need.

Pre-lunch sessions at Sanatan Ashram Ponda

After completing a hectic morning schedule, Sanatan Ashram Ponda has lined up a more exhaustive pre-lunch session. As my principal seva consists of prachar, I need to move out of the ashram. Sanatan Sanstha depends upon pracharaks like me to attract new followers, enlist subscribers to the newsletters and to solicit donations.

Prachar and Samashti seva

Prachar is considered to be a high level of samashti seva. Prachar means publicity and consists of meeting people outside the organization and involving them in the sanstha’s activities. This may be the first point of contact for normal people with Sanatan Sanstha and hence utmost care has to be taken. Generally, only people staying in the locality or people with a higher standing in Sanatan are given this work. Looking at my abilities, I am, however, given this work but told that in case I am unable to carry out this responsibility, it will be taken back from me. I am honored to be given such a big responsibility.

A pracharak has to be very well dressed and presentable. As I do not have sufficient clothes, I expect the sanstha to help me out. But no help materializes, instead I am told to ask from my husband. After all, it is his responsibility, I am told. I tell him during one of our routine conversation. He arranges to send some money to me to arrange for the clothes. I know that he is under some sort of financial trouble, he has never expressed anything but my intuition is generally right in such cases. Despite this, he arranges for some money and promises to bring some clothes during our next meeting. We have always purchased clothes together and I always liked the clothes he used to select for me; this is a first time that I, alone, will be choosing my own clothes. Is this freedom? I have a lump in my throat during the purchases and hurry through them.

Prachar Seva

Sanatan Sanstha has allotted an area for me. I am always accompanied by a local person who collects me from Sanatan Ashram Ponda. Initially, I resented this but the various explanations given convinced me that the sanstha is doing this to protect me. I am a simple person who wants to devote my life for the seva of my Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale. Hence, I do not read too much in this. The area is near Ponda and sometimes the local person drops me to Ponda bus top where I catch a bus to Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi.

Yes, I too start calling the ashram as Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi and not Sanatan Ashram Ponda.

I am very good at prachar seva and within a short time, I have established a regular band of followers in the allotted area. This is appreciated at Sanatan Sanstha and I am praised at various forums.

But, a small piece of news from my hometown and my success bring my downfall. A downfall so great that I feel like leaving everything and ending everything immediately.

Morning routine at Sanatan Ashram Ponda

My day at Sanatan Ashram Ponda starts at 6.00 am officially as decided by Sanatan Sanstha. I usually get up early at around 5.00 am and do some surya namkaskar. I have been facing turbulent times owing to the negative energies unleashed by my family and Surya Namaskar helps me to negate the effect. This has been prescribed by the sanstha as naamjap is not helping me much.

The routine at Sanatan Sanstha

The day at Sanatan Ashram Ponda starts at 6.00 am when all the followers of Sanatan Sanstha get up to start their daily routine. We offer thanks to God for allowing us one more day in which we can provide service to our Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale. Then we get busy in cleaning ourselves. Sanatan has prescribed the ideal way for these activities and these have been ingrained by us totally. There is a different system of taking bath, we are advised to take bath without removing the clothes. This has to be done so that the positive energies accumulated during the night stay at the ashram are not washed away. I think, this rule has been implemented as bathing space is restricted and there is no privacy. But, I cannot question the rule otherwise I will be called a non-believer and will again have to undergo penance.

Once these activities are completed, we can proceed to have our breakfast. This is referred as Nahari in our parlance. We communicate through special words; this makes us feel important and part of a group. There are many such words and phrases and these are not known to others; not even by ordinary sadhaks. Breakfast is simple and wholesome and consists mainly of upma or any other Indian preparation. Tea, coffee or any other preparation is available as per requirement.

Chanting and PDR process

Immediately after breakfast, we start the naamjap at the meditation room. Generally, a small Pooja is held every day; but this is not elaborate. The Chaitanya at the ashram is at such a high level that such traditions need not be followed there. I found this difficult to digest as a ritual like the Morning Pooja is practiced everywhere. But I could not question, I had no right to question my Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale. The naamjap or chanting sessions would last for almost 2 hours followed by at least one hour for in-depth analysis of personality defects. Inmates in teams of 20 each would gather around a coordinator and identify the defects identified during the previous day. These would be analyzed by the group and the coordinator would identify the correct process to rid them.

Both these sessions used to tire me out as I noticed that much of the time was taken up in identifying my defects. I assumed this was because the others were participating for many years and had rid themselves of their personality defects. Sanatan Sanstha attributed the tiredness to the negative energy within me and I would be advised to attend a satsang for the next couple of hours.

As I was involved in samashti seva and would have to leave immediately, I would have to attend the satsangs late in the evening.

The morning sessions were packed back to back with little time gaps in between. This was done to take advantage of the positive energies of the environment and to charge us up for the daily routine. However, these left me feeling very tired.