Grounded again at Sanatan Ashram Ponda

The uproar over the innocent comment refuses to die down at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. I am now officially grounded and barred from any type of seva. I spend the entire day within the ashram premises and can participate only in satsangs or other activities going on at the ashram. It is also conveyed that I can leave Sanatan Sanstha for good and return to my home but in the same manner, I am also told of the effects of doing so.

Prarabdha and Karma

Sanatan tells me that I am suffering because of the prarabdha – fruits of karmas of past lives. Prarabdha has to be experienced in the present life and exhausted in this life itself. The fruits of karmas performed in this life will add to my sanchita karma. If I cannot exhaust my prarabdha or do bad karma in this life, I will be reborn again and again till I exhaust them. I have to break this cycle in this lifetime itself and only Sanatan Sanstha and my devotion to my Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale can break this cycle. Leaving Sanatan Ashram Ponda is not a choice because it will cause bad karma. It will affect not only me but my entire family. They will have to suffer because it is their attachment which is causing these feelings in me. Otherwise, how can anyone even think of leaving the Chaitanya of the ashram.

Such impure thoughts affect my Guru and he has to bear the fruits. He is like a sponge. He takes away our bad karmas and ingests them. As a result, he has to suffer, these manifests in many ways and we get the physical proof when we look at his body closely.

Grounded with little hope

I spend the next month or so doing little of importance. I stay behind at the ashram because I have no other place. I have reduced the contact with my family to a bare minimum. I call them only when required; when I require something. My parents have also lost hope as it is almost six months and I have not visited them or even called them. I tried to invite them to the ashram for father’s treatment but they rebuffed me. I felt insulted and broke up the contact. So, I am grounded at Sanatan Ashram Ponda with little hope. I slog through and hope and pray to God and my Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale to bring some solution to this problem. Sanatan must be testing my patience.

I think that the issue can get resolved if I manage to bring my daughter to the ashram and make her stay with me. She has learning difficulties and has had to repeat. My husband is unable to devote time and I can take advantage of the situation.

Sanatan Sanstha has grounded me once again. This has happened several times and I am unable to get to the bottom of the problem. Sanatan blames my prarabdha and my ego for such repeated issues. But, sometimes; just sometimes, I think I am not to blame. 

The only solution is to bring my daughter to Sanatan Ashram Ponda.

Sanatan Sanstha welcomes my family

Sanatan Sanstha is keeping me so busy with different sevas that I appear to have lost count of time. I no longer remember the date or the day. There are no calendars around Sanatan Sanstha Ashram and it was really difficult to keep track of time. I had a mobile with me but I used it very sparingly, checking on it only once a day or so.

My husband visits Sanatan Sanstha

Anyhow, after about a week, I think, my husband finally came to see me at the Sanatan Sanstha Ashram. He had called the previous day to confirm if I am available. I was very excited about the visit as I would be seeing my daughter after almost a month. I could not sleep that night.

I took special care that day and woke up early at around 4 am. As per our daily schedule, we would wake up at 5 am and start the day with prayers and chanting. I woke up an hour early to thank my Guru; Dr Jayant Athavale. He had made this visit possible otherwise my husband would have never visited Sanatan Ashram Ponda. Now, he would feel the Chaitanya of the ashram and would understand my work. He would accept the sanstha totally and allow me to continue my good work and start supporting Sanatan. Maybe, he would also join me in the sanstha. I was a little bit worried that he would lose his temper and create a scene there.

Sanatan Sanstha prepares for the visit

I was assured by Sanatan Sanstha that he would not be able to force me back to my home. They counselled me that he would not join the sanstha though I wished for it. He was a total non-believer and would never support me. The sadhaks reminded me of the insults he had uttered against the sanstha. this was not correct, he had never insulted me or the sanstha, he had only opposed it. But I could not bring myself to reveal this to them. They were not willing to listen to me. They drummed up several accusations against my husband and they did it just before his visit.

I was also asked to make him wait for at least an hour before meeting him.

Sanatan Sanstha appeared to be instigating me very purposefully. I had no other option but to follow their instructions. After all, I could not think logically anymore.

As per their instructions, I made him wait for more than an hour before meeting him. I refused to meet him alone and insisted that a sadhak remain present with me always. I was very surprised to see him alone, I was expecting my daughter. He did not offer any explanations. The sadhak, I don’t remember his name, started by explaning to my husband the reasons for my flight. He heaped accusations on my husband and called him many vile names. As per the instructions, I also got into the act and accused him of gross negligence.

He was silent through-out the tirade, he did not utter anything in his defence. In fact, he was very calm and composed. Even when I refused to come back with him, he did not argue with me and neither did he cajole me to come back. After about an hour or so, another sadhak offered to show him around Sanatan Ashram Ponda. He only requested me to accompany him. I agreed as I was also emotionally drained and wanted to see his reactions. The tour ended in 10-15 minutes as he was not at all interested. I took him to the Dyan Mandir as I knew that he spent a considerable time in meditation even at home. After a couple of minutes, he left me and reached the Swagat Kaksh of Sanatan Ashram Ponda on his own.

I followed him downstairs but, in order to avoid spending time with him alone, I took another lady sadhak with me. He did not utter any words and I was waiting to see a positive reaction from him, one that would indicate that he had accepted my decision and had changed his attitude towards Sanatan Sanstha. There were no expressions on his face; neither of happiness, acceptance or even sadness. He handed me some clothes and some money. I felt like refusing him but I had little option. I was running out of money and I had no clothes of my own. He enquired about my health and asked me to take care of myself. He would always be behind me and would help me in all possible manner.

I felt like crying when he said this because I knew that he would keep his promise no matter what sacrifices he had to make. I told him that I just wanted to meet my daughter and if he could bring her to visit the ashram. He expressed some reservations about bringing her.

The visit was an anti-climax. I had tried my level best to provoke him into a fight. I had tried all my old tactics, but he refused to have a fight. Sanatan Sanstha had also provoked him and insulted him in front of me yet he refused to lose his temper. It appears that this round went to him, he succeeded and I failed. I was now afraid that Sanatan would take out their ire on me.

But for me, it was

Broken Dreams and Broken lives.

Sanatan Sanstha counsels me

Sanatan Sanstha and one week at Devad

My flight from my home has been an exhilarating experience; aided actively by Sanatan Sanstha. I feel as if I am in a kind of stupor. But the next seven days bring me down to earth. I am stuck up at the Devad ashram. I am not allowed to even go out in the compound but kept all day inside the ashram. There are several counselling sessions but no spiritual activity. All sadhaks appear to be tense and uneasy. I get a very nervous feeling but think that my hyper-sensitive nerves are to be blamed. I am counselled by many people; advocates meet me and question about the nature of my husband. When I tell them that he is very docile, they appear to be disappointed. A lady psychologist speaks to me at length. Some people with considerable authority also meet me. The initial questions relate more about my family. I think they are trying to gauge their reactions or are they trying to provoke a particular reaction?

I was asked to keep in touch with my husband and was coached on what to speak and what to speak. I was also to invite them to visit me at the ashram. I and the sanstha were both surprised when this did not happen. My parents also never called me up, why?

This is around the same time that news about the abduction of two sisters by Sanatan Sanstha had broken in media channels. I never met them and I was told that they had been shifted to a safer place. The media attention was much appreciated as the sanstha got an opportunity to air their views. Yet, some people appeared tense. I realised much latter when I was on the other side of the table.

Transit to Ramnathi

Finally, after one complete week, I left for Goa. All arrangements had been made by Sanatan Sanstha, even ticket booking was done by them. They had also arranged for an auto to drop me to Panvel station. I was accompanied by two male sadhaks.

Finally, upon arrival at Madgaon railway station, I felt relief. I visualised Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale welcoming me and trust me I could feel him and his Chaitanya. A car was waiting to pick me up.

There were smiling faces in the ashram. I was welcomed and everybody rushed to welcome me. After Devad, this was very welcome. I could gauge the difference between Devad and Ramnathi immediately.

Why was there so much difference between Devad and Ramnathi? Why were sadhaks tense at Devad? Were they waiting for some unpleasantness? It appeared that they were looking forward to it and were disappointed when it did not happen. Was I the cause for all this? Was I expected to do something?

I did not dwell on these issues; I was busy soaking up the Chaitanya of the ashram. I felt as if I was reborn and the rebirth would now lead me on the right path.