Different personality at Sanatan Ashram Ponda

The reassignment of work at Sanatan Ashram Ponda is a blessing in disguise. I and Sanatan Sanstha discover a different and hidden aspect of my personality; I can handle stress; enormous amount of stress without losing my cool. I handle some very tricky situations at the swagat kaksh of Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi and in the process, earn some long-needed goodwill of high ranking sadhaks. These sadhaks are quite influential though they do not have any pompous sounding designations. Their words carry a lot of weight in Sanatan Sanstha and they are keeping a close watch on me. I thank Dr Jayant Athavale for all his blessings, only his blessings have made this possible otherwise I was down in the dumps.

A different persona Sanatan Sanstha

The different me is really a different persona at Sanatan Sanstha. I have handled two critical incidents at Sanatan Ashram Ponda and handled them in such a manner that there was a lot of goodwill generated for me and the sanstha. Both relate to some queries raised by the police department. In one situation, they are on the point of conducting a raid. I play them around till some significant persons disappear from the premises of Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. I will not share the complete details; who knows the police or even Sanatan will try to silence me. Silence me in the same way they have silenced some troublesome sadhaks. Sanatan Sanstha does not trust anybody and if a person is privy to confidential knowledge or information, they take special care of them. Not my words but those uttered by a senior sadhak to my rakshak after I escaped from their clutches and ran away from Sanatan Ashram Ponda.

The other incident is not open to public consumption but relates to a police spy. The police had planted a spy in our midst but I could identify him very easily. He escaped with his life, I regretted it at that time. Dr Jayant Athavale had control over my mind and I could only think about him and his safety.

Another dimension of my personality

This different dimension of my personality opens a host of opportunities to the sadhaks of Sanatan Sanstha and to me as well. I can now be assigned to perform several high-level sevas. I am about to join a close-knit group within Sanatan Ashram Ponda; a group so well knit that hardly anybody is aware of it.

This development does not go down well with my rakshak. I am surprised as I felt that she would be very happy for me. I think it is envy. Though she has spent several years at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi, she has never reached my level. She has a serious issue of personality defect; envy and that interferes with her spiritual progress. I have a serious talk with her one day but she does not reply to my accusations; in fact, she is silent throughout. She only looks at me with her soul-searching eyes.

I realize later on that I was entering a deep quagmire; one which would make it impossible to escape. But, I didn’t want to escape.  I wanted to be enveloped by the Chaitanya of Dr Jayant Athavale and his Sanatan Sanstha.

The story so far at Sanatan Ashram Ponda

I have gone through many ups and downs since the last few months after landing at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. I was expecting to spend the rest of my life in pursuit of spirituality and service to my Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale, but frankly, things have been quite different. I do not realize it at that time; my mind is still controlled by Sanatan Sanstha and I still cannot think rationally.

A typical Hindu Ashram

Positive thoughts about Sanatan Ashram Ponda

If asked about any positive points at Sanatan Ashram Ponda, I can still identify several. 

• There are several sadhaks – followers of Sanatan Sanstha, who are seriously into spirituality. They are committed to this. There is nothing wrong about this. The ashram provides them a perfect place to practice. It provides a place to stay and also provides for some basic necessities of life like food. It is very peaceful.
• Some of the occupants have bitter experiences and have nowhere to go. They had some personal experiences and wanted an escape from their past. Sanatan provides them this without asking any questions. Yes, they have to prove that they are serious in their spiritual efforts, but money can manage many things.
• Sanatan Ashram Ponda is also a good place to learn Sanskrit and study our Vedas and Shastra, provided you draw your own inferences and do not depend on the meaning provided by the sadhaks.

Negativity at Sanatan Sanstha

Apart from the techniques of mind control practiced by followers of Dr Jayant Athavale, there are several negative issues. I may be labeled a shaitan by Sanatan but these issues need to be brought to the notice of normal Hindus. 

• The first and the foremost is the worship of Guru. Hindu Dharma does not allow for Guru worship. Sanatan Sanstha, however, preaches this very actively. Dr Athavale is the center of attraction. Life at Sanatan Ashram Ponda revolves around him. Gurupoornima is the only festival celebrated at the ashram. Most of the satsangs, dharmavargs and religious discourses center around the importance of the Guru. In fact, this dominates all discussions to such an extent that we do not follow any significant religious activities.
• Sanatan Ashram dictates your life; you have to follow their instructions. You have to obey them. People lose their independence. Sanatan controls all aspects of your life. You have to take bath in the manner they specify, you have to eat when and what they say. I am not even allowed outside food; I spend several days without food.  Sleeping patterns are dictated by them.
• Sanatan controls the flow of information. Outside information is filtered. Communication channels with outside world are cut off. You cannot even speak freely with your family. Incidentally, when the family visits you, they forced to sit in a particular corner of the swagat kaksh. This was pointed out by my rakshak once I regained my rationality. We never discovered the reasons behind this.

My doctor has advised me to look at some positive aspects of my stay at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. This will alleviate the sense of guilt to some extent. It is difficult to identify any positive outcome of my association with Sanatan Sanstha – at least as of now.

Building trust at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi

Though I felt betrayed when the Swagat Kaksh at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi did not pass information about my father’s illness, I did not assume the worst. I rationalised that they may have forgotten. Initially, I had doubted them but one sadhak approached me a couple of days afterwards and apologised for not passing the information.

Sanatan Sanstha rebuilds trust

She said that she had forgotten to do so and this was her personality defect. It had to be removed. She also mentioned this during the personality defect removal session in my presence. The other sadhaks took her for task and told her the seriousness. Because of her, I had been hurt, I had started doubting the sanstha. She was asked to do penance. I was also asked about my father’s health and told that Sanatan could provide good medical care at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. It would combine spiritual treatment as well and hence recovery would be fast. I should call up my parents immediately. I could not go personally as my education was in a critical phase and such disturbances would affect it. They had also information that my father was recovering and the critical phase had passed thanks to my devotion to the Guru; Dr Jayant Athavale.

Such good thoughts; such affection. Sanatan Sanstha was really full of people giving selfless service. Look at the strength of spiritual practise, my father was responding to the positive vibes generated by my devotion to spirituality. I was now fully convinced that I was on the right path.

I phoned up my parents immediately and after apologising, asked them to bring father to Sanatan Ashram Ponda for treatment. My mother said that he was not able to travel and I should visit him. I obviously could not do so and could not understand their insistence. Sanatan Sanstha was going to such trouble and they were not cooperating? I was sure that this was the effect of evil spirits.

Reflections

I recall the whole incident very clearly. I remember meeting the friend, the news about my father’s illness, my self-doubts and Sanatan’s generous offer. I realised the inconsistencies very late. The story built up by the sanstha had several glaring inconsistencies. I should have realised them sooner, but my mind was under their control. The major inconsistency was; how did they come to know that I was aware of my father’s illness? I had only told my rakshak and as subsequent incidents proved, she never shared such personal confidences with Sanatan Sanstha. Why did the sadhak apologise after several days. My father had suffered from stroke two months before I knew, so my brother had visited about two months back. Why was this brought up after such a time difference?

My parents had stopped communicating after this incident and my offer for treatment at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi acted like salt on a wound. I thought it was a generous offer but they took it in a totally different angle.

I was beyond any rational reasoning. Sanatan meant such a lot to me, my Guru; Dr Jayant Athavale, meant a lot to me. Anything else was irrelevant.

Sanatan Sanstha does not trust me

Some of the changes were subtle, but I got a feeling that Sanatan Sanstha does not trust me. I had tried to hide my true feelings, but they had read them. I could not meet my rakshak alone, nor could I call anybody without someone within earshot. My privacy was being invaded and I could do nothing about it.

Life goes on

I decided to shake off the feeling and continue with life. The next time my husband called me up, I was in Sanatan Ashram Ponda. I spoke normally with him; I knew that some sadhak was trying to listen to our conversation. I did not leave the room. I did not question him about my father; in fact, I did not speak to him about my father. Let him and the sanstha think that I am still unaware of my father’s condition. I had to think this out; I had to seek answers to several questions, I was still unaware of the questions.

The nights used to be spent in thinking; in compartmentalizing my doubts. Two important questions were

• Why did my husband not tell me about my father’s condition?
• Would Sanatan Sanstha stop me from visiting my father?

I had no idea what was going on; I was boiling inside but still the show had to go on.

I confront my husband

Things slowly started reverting back to normal once again at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. Sadhaks lost interest in me. I was becoming my old self again and had put the news behind me – or had I? Outwardly, I became normal, went out every day for prachar seva; attended all personality defect removal satsangs, spent time in chanting, would praise the Chaitanya of the ashram.

Inwardly, it was different.

I got an opportunity to speak to my husband from outside the Sanatan Sanstha Ashram. I used to call him only at night. This would ensure that we could speak freely without any disturbance and for a long period of time. But, one day, I called him from the bus stand. My minder had wandered off somewhere and I made sure that he was not nearby.

I called my husband. He picked up after many rings. I asked him straight away why had he hidden my father’s illness from me? What right did he have to hide such things from me?

He did not speak for quite some time, he allowed me to cool down. He offered no excuses, he just said that they thought that I did not care. I did not care about my family. I was beyond caring. They had called, my brother had called me as well as the swagat kaksh at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. I had not responded to either call. He had come to the ashram; he was told that I was not interested in meeting him. He had told the sadhaks at the counter that my father was hospitalized. They refused to let him meet me.

This was another shock. My husband does not lie. He must be speaking the truth.

I remembered that my brother had tried to meet me at the Sanatan Sanstha Ashram. I was busy in some work and I did not meet him. I remembered that he had called me several times. I was busy and had not responded. But, the ashram had not passed on the message about my father’s illness. They had not told me that he was hospitalized.

My rakshak was right after all. I could not trust Sanatan Sanstha. 

No escape route from Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi

I am deeply affected on hearing about the paralytic stroke attack on my father and want to leave Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi for a day and visit him. My rakshak, an angel in disguise advises me against doing so. What is the harm, why would Sanatan Sanstha not allow me to do so? I will come back; I want to come back. My spiritual journey has just started under the guidance of Dr Jayant Athavale. I don’t want to discontinue it.

No exit door at Sanatan Sanstha

I don’t believe that there is no exit door in Sanatan Sanstha. I have been told repeatedly that the doors of Sanatan Sanstha Ramnathi are always open, we can come anytime we want to and leave whenever we want to. Then, why does my rakshak say otherwise? Does she have any previous experience? She refuses to discuss this any further.

I need to start thinking on these lines. But my mind just does not cooperate. On one hand, I want to go immediately and inform the sanstha about the advice given by my rakshak. But, something stops me just in time. I don’t disclose anything about the conversation in the next day’s personality defect removal process. I am asked about the previous day and the reason for my actions. I cook up a story. The sadhaks don’t believe me but they don’t question me either. I can feel that they have lost a little bit of trust in me.

End of trust

Sanatan Sanstha takes some measures immediately. I am still allowed to go out but now sadhaks pick me from Sanatan Sanstha Ashram and drop me back inside it. I am not left alone for a single minute. There are other restrictions, I can feel them. I am shadowed continuously even in the Sanatan Ashram Ponda. It is not obvious but I can feel it. A sadhak always accompanies me for all the activities. I know her as she has been in the ashram for quite some years. She tries to gain my trust. She offers to share new information or help me with clothes. But, in my heart, I simply cannot trust her.

I feel all alone now. I cannot meet my rakshak even for one minute. I cannot attend any phone calls; she is always within earshot. She sleeps on the bed next to mine. I feel as if I am trapped.

Why should I feel trapped? Is it my mind that is playing tricks on me? Am I imagining thinks; searching for evil intensions where none exists?

Sanatan Sanstha is educating people on the proper Dharma, it is giving education; scientific education on Hindu Dharma, why should it restrict people leaving the organization? There is no reason to do it. I think, my mind is playing tricks on me. Perhaps, the rakshak is not a good person, she seems to have evil intensions and is trying to defame Sanatan.

I am confused. On one hand I am very much concerned about my father’s health, and on another I am worried about the sanstha.

Rakshak to the defence – again

The shock is too much for me. I have not attended any session in the evening nor have I eaten dinner. I refuse to speak to anyone. I am not crying, I am beyond crying. For the time in more than 40 years, I feel I am alone; totally alone in this world. I hate my husband; he should have at least told me. Why did he always lie that they were okay? That they did not want to talk to me. Why did my little brother not talk to me?

A helping hand

I am lying on my bed; I am unable to sleep. All around me, sadhaks are going through the daily routine prescribed by Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. I am all alone in this vast world. I feel like I am falling in a big black hole. I can only think of my father; waiting for his darling Barbie to come and see him. I think of running away, running away from Sanatan Sanstha for a day and dashing off to see my father.

I feel a hand on my head, a little after midnight, after everyone has gone to sleep. My rakshak whispers in my ear softly and asks me to follow her. She takes me to a small room, a small dark room and closes the door. She takes me in her arms and whispers in my ears. I cannot control myself and start crying – not sobbing but crying softly. She lets me cry my heart out. When I cannot cry anymore she gives me a glass of water and some biscuits to eat. I don’t know from where she has managed these. She is dependent on the sanstha’s handouts for her daily needs.

I tell her about the news, about my father, about his illness. I open up about everything, I open my heart out. And start crying again.

The morning after

Sometime during all this, she leads me to another room with a bed and makes me go to sleep. I wake up to find her sitting on a stool holding my hand and staring at nothing. She seems to be crying. I again drift into sleep.

She wakes me up at around 5 am. Asks me to freshen up and wash my face with cold water. After I am through, she preaches me, preaches about how life is not always a bed of roses. But, most important of all, she advices me on how to handle the situation. She tells me how Sanatan Sanstha functions and what actions they will take if they know that I am thinking of visiting my parents. She coaches me and coaxes me to remain firm, strong and behave as if everything is okay. I have to maintain my routine; I have to continue with life.

There is no escape; I cannot escape. It is my prarabdha and I have to live through it; I have to experience it myself. My karmas during this time will define what I am and what I can become.

Sanatan Ashram Ponda and routine life

Life at Sanatan Ashram Ponda is now settling down to a routine. My day is managed and controlled by the sanstha. They have developed a routine and I follow it religiously. The day is divided into different activities called seva. Some part is devoted for spiritual enlightenment, some for chanting, a major part  personality defect removal process and the rest for contemplation.

Samashti Seva

I like to meet new people and can converse fluently with them. Sanatan Sanstha has identified this as my strength. I also like to travel to new places and am comfortable traveling in local buses and finding my way back. I am also able to convince people to join the sanstha and request for donations, sell our newsletters and other publications. In fact, I was collecting the highest amount of donations in my area and this was praised by the saints many times during their regular visits to Satara.

It is but natural that Sanatan Ashram Ponda gives this seva to me. I am first asked to tour all over Goa till they decide which area can accommodate me. I travel to their Panaji, Madgaon and Ponda area offices as well as the sub-offices under them. My rakshak has been given a different work (I think, they do not like our bond) and I do not have any regular coordinator. However, a sadhak (generally male) must accompany me during any visit outside the ashram. Generally, the localites pick and drop me. This is a logistical nightmare, as a person staying at Panaji has to travel 40 kilometres to pick me, we travel another 40-50 kilometres to reach Panaji and the same kilometres for the return journey. Besides wasting time and money, it stifles me as I am an independent woman and do not like to be dependent on others.

However, Sanatan Sanstha terms this as samashti seva for the sadhaks and does not allow me to venture out alone.

Danger venturing alone

I am told that there is danger in venturing alone. Evil forces are shadowing us and attack sadhaks travelling alone. Several have been attacked in the past and women sadhaks have been harassed. I have never faced such issues in the past nor have I heard of such things. But, the sanstha puts its foot down firmly and I have to follow their instructions.

Because of this inconvenience, I miss my lunch or dinner many times. By the time I return, lunch or dinner hours are over and I don’t get anything to eat. I have to go to sleep hungry. The ashram forbids personal food of any kind, nor am I allowed to eat outside. I am told that the enemies may try to poison me. As I am accompanied by sadhaks everywhere, I have to suffer this.

The samashti seva is praised profusely and in many satsangs and bhaitaks it is repeated that I am sacrificing even my food so that there is no disturbance in my seva.

The time spent in such sevas leaves me very little time to contact my family. I am unable to attend to their phone calls. In fact, I tell them or call them very late at night when I know that they must be sleeping. The fragile bond breaks further.

Rakshak and Sanatan Sanstha

Sanatan Sanstha had appointed a coordinator – I referred to her as my rakshak (bodyguard), during the first week at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. She was my soul mate during the stay at the Sanstha and we still manage to keep in touch. She never shared any personal details with me but she was an angel to me. She would fuss around me like a mother hen. I appreciate her help and have promised myself that I will do anything to rescue her from the clutches of the sanstha.

Rakshak and her melancholy

She was different from others, I got the feeling that even when she was with me night and day at Sanatan Sanstha. She was always smiling – all sadhaks at Sanatan Ashram Ponda do it as a matter of practise. But her smile had a sense of melancholy, well-hidden but still present. She would not share anything personal with me but after some time; particularly when she felt that I was about to leave the sanstha, she opened up. She opened up so that I could realise my dilemma and take a positive step. She was always eager to help and would be the first to volunteer for any seva, she did not like to go out and meet people but still she forced herself to take outside seva. She hid her emotions very well but I noticed tears behind her eyes many times. She found my behaviour very erratic and was always ready to criticise. She would not mind if I stopped talking to her, started ignoring her. She was patient, waiting for me to speak up and then she would behave as if nothing had gone wrong between us.

She was an enigma. She appeared to practise all that was preached by Sanatan Sanstha yet she was not affected by it. She had her mind and was not afraid to use it when required. The sanstha appeared to be in awe of her and generally left her alone.

No contact no worries

Unlike my case, she did not receive any visitors nor did she receive any calls from her family. She always had a plain and simple mobile with her and I caught her several times as if she was waiting for a call. Always waiting for a call, always expecting a call, but nobody ever called her up and she also never seemed to call anybody. She always wore simple sarees donated to the ashram. Her blouses were all ill-fitting but she carried herself with aplomb. She appeared to be surviving on the donation given by Sanatan Ashram Ponda. The sanstha gave some pocket money to women sadhaks for out of pocket expenses. It was given only to those whose families did not support them and was not given to male sadhaks.

She had dark complexion but very sharp features and long hair. A beautiful and striking woman. She appeared to be middle aged like me but the worry lines on her face gave an impression of wisdom gained through pain and experience rather than age.

Did she have a family? Was there somebody waiting for her return? What was the secret behind her melancholy?  

She would go out of the way to help me. This was limited to me only as to others she was helpful but she never crossed a limit and kept her distance from everyone else. I, too, felt drawn to her and shared several intimate secrets with her even before I trusted her completely.

Was my trust and confidence misplaced? Was the rakshak an informer of my husband or worse still of Sanatan Sanstha? Would the rakshak become a bhakshak?