Different personality at Sanatan Ashram Ponda

The reassignment of work at Sanatan Ashram Ponda is a blessing in disguise. I and Sanatan Sanstha discover a different and hidden aspect of my personality; I can handle stress; enormous amount of stress without losing my cool. I handle some very tricky situations at the swagat kaksh of Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi and in the process, earn some long-needed goodwill of high ranking sadhaks. These sadhaks are quite influential though they do not have any pompous sounding designations. Their words carry a lot of weight in Sanatan Sanstha and they are keeping a close watch on me. I thank Dr Jayant Athavale for all his blessings, only his blessings have made this possible otherwise I was down in the dumps.

A different persona Sanatan Sanstha

The different me is really a different persona at Sanatan Sanstha. I have handled two critical incidents at Sanatan Ashram Ponda and handled them in such a manner that there was a lot of goodwill generated for me and the sanstha. Both relate to some queries raised by the police department. In one situation, they are on the point of conducting a raid. I play them around till some significant persons disappear from the premises of Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. I will not share the complete details; who knows the police or even Sanatan will try to silence me. Silence me in the same way they have silenced some troublesome sadhaks. Sanatan Sanstha does not trust anybody and if a person is privy to confidential knowledge or information, they take special care of them. Not my words but those uttered by a senior sadhak to my rakshak after I escaped from their clutches and ran away from Sanatan Ashram Ponda.

The other incident is not open to public consumption but relates to a police spy. The police had planted a spy in our midst but I could identify him very easily. He escaped with his life, I regretted it at that time. Dr Jayant Athavale had control over my mind and I could only think about him and his safety.

Another dimension of my personality

This different dimension of my personality opens a host of opportunities to the sadhaks of Sanatan Sanstha and to me as well. I can now be assigned to perform several high-level sevas. I am about to join a close-knit group within Sanatan Ashram Ponda; a group so well knit that hardly anybody is aware of it.

This development does not go down well with my rakshak. I am surprised as I felt that she would be very happy for me. I think it is envy. Though she has spent several years at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi, she has never reached my level. She has a serious issue of personality defect; envy and that interferes with her spiritual progress. I have a serious talk with her one day but she does not reply to my accusations; in fact, she is silent throughout. She only looks at me with her soul-searching eyes.

I realize later on that I was entering a deep quagmire; one which would make it impossible to escape. But, I didn’t want to escape.  I wanted to be enveloped by the Chaitanya of Dr Jayant Athavale and his Sanatan Sanstha.

Reassignment at Sanatan Ashram Ponda

Sanatan Sanstha punishes me for a minor slip of the tongue at one satsang at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. I get very emotional about this but do not let it affect my resolve. I am firm that I will serve my Guru Dr Jayant Athavale and seek spiritual growth under his guidance. I am ready to enlist my daughter into the fold of Sanatan and also reach out to my husband. In short, I am ready to do anything. Anything except see the writing on the wall. The writing clearly says that Sanatan Sanstha practices mind control techniques; it lures women and men alike and controls their minds; makes them do what the sanstha wants.

 Swagat kaksh at Sanatan Ashram Ponda

I think my resolve wins in the end and I am reassigned to be part of the Swagat Kaksh at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. Every day I report to the main reception area. My job is to handle the telephone console and pass on important messages to the concerned sadhaks. I should be aware of the various activities of the ashram as well as arrival and departure of many important sadhaks. I am also responsible for informing them about any raids by police or any other government agencies. The responsibility is enormous as Sanatan Sanstha has been raided several times in the past. However, in most cases, they were unable to find what they were after. It is the responsibility of the Swagat Kaksh at Sanatan Ashram Ponda to give information as fast as possible so that necessary arrangements can be made.

I take this as a challenging job and handle all the calls.

Frantic relatives and a stone wall

I also serve as a stone wall between frantic relatives and runaway sadhaks. I must have encountered about a dozen such cases. When a runaway sadhak reaches Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi, we generally put a safety net over her. She is handled very carefully. The relatives may lure her away from Sanatan Sanstha else they may create a ruckus at the ashram premises. We actually like it if they create a scene and pick up a fight. Our media arm has good connections with sympathetic media organizations. These media persons can reach the ashram within minutes and cover the whole episode very well. They also give a sympathetic angle so that Sanatan comes out like a good organization being harassed by evil doers.

This has a ripple effect and our sadhaks who wish to fly away to the ashram are motivated to do so. We also attract several other seekers. The concerned sadhak also loses faith in her family and starts trusting Sanatan Sanstha completely. She becomes a permanent feature at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. She hands over control of mind to Dr Jayant Athavale.

Apart from this seva, I have to offer seva in the kitchen. Now, I get sufficient time to attend all satsangs and also participate in many activities. I get my food on time. I think that I am redeemed finally and Sanatan Sanstha has finally and totally accepted me.

I belong to Dr Jayant Athavale and Sanatan Sanstha.

Grounded again at Sanatan Ashram Ponda

The uproar over the innocent comment refuses to die down at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. I am now officially grounded and barred from any type of seva. I spend the entire day within the ashram premises and can participate only in satsangs or other activities going on at the ashram. It is also conveyed that I can leave Sanatan Sanstha for good and return to my home but in the same manner, I am also told of the effects of doing so.

Prarabdha and Karma

Sanatan tells me that I am suffering because of the prarabdha – fruits of karmas of past lives. Prarabdha has to be experienced in the present life and exhausted in this life itself. The fruits of karmas performed in this life will add to my sanchita karma. If I cannot exhaust my prarabdha or do bad karma in this life, I will be reborn again and again till I exhaust them. I have to break this cycle in this lifetime itself and only Sanatan Sanstha and my devotion to my Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale can break this cycle. Leaving Sanatan Ashram Ponda is not a choice because it will cause bad karma. It will affect not only me but my entire family. They will have to suffer because it is their attachment which is causing these feelings in me. Otherwise, how can anyone even think of leaving the Chaitanya of the ashram.

Such impure thoughts affect my Guru and he has to bear the fruits. He is like a sponge. He takes away our bad karmas and ingests them. As a result, he has to suffer, these manifests in many ways and we get the physical proof when we look at his body closely.

Grounded with little hope

I spend the next month or so doing little of importance. I stay behind at the ashram because I have no other place. I have reduced the contact with my family to a bare minimum. I call them only when required; when I require something. My parents have also lost hope as it is almost six months and I have not visited them or even called them. I tried to invite them to the ashram for father’s treatment but they rebuffed me. I felt insulted and broke up the contact. So, I am grounded at Sanatan Ashram Ponda with little hope. I slog through and hope and pray to God and my Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale to bring some solution to this problem. Sanatan must be testing my patience.

I think that the issue can get resolved if I manage to bring my daughter to the ashram and make her stay with me. She has learning difficulties and has had to repeat. My husband is unable to devote time and I can take advantage of the situation.

Sanatan Sanstha has grounded me once again. This has happened several times and I am unable to get to the bottom of the problem. Sanatan blames my prarabdha and my ego for such repeated issues. But, sometimes; just sometimes, I think I am not to blame. 

The only solution is to bring my daughter to Sanatan Ashram Ponda.

Why does Sanatan demoralise me

Sanatan Sanstha seems to be using a delicate balance of punishment and motivation on me. Am I the only one to suffer like this or is it a common practice? This attitude is keeping me on my toes. I am now always cautious not hurt anybody at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. I learn to control my tongue and speak when spoken to. I do not give my views on any subject even when asked to. I always appear to be very demure.

I change to match Sanatan Sanstha

I seem to have changed a lot. It starts with lying to my family. I don’t consider it a sin to lie to my family. Then, I slowly change the way I dress. I also spend more time doing activities that bind me to Sanatan Sanstha like chanting and personality defect removal process. I also become totally involved in doing prachar seva from my home. My personality undergoes a drastic change. I change my social group and alienate my friends and relatives. I do not think I have done it after being prompted by Sanatan, but now I realize that they used behavior changing techniques on me. They used subtle mind control techniques so that I start relying on them for everything.

This continues even at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. The process is quite different when they realize that I have burnt all the bridges and have immersed myself into following Dr Jayant Athavale. They use a carrot and stick approach so that I am always mentally unstable. I don’t have any other resource on which to rely on. The information flow is controlled by them totally. I don’t feel the need to read newspapers. I read only Dainik Sanatan Prabhat. In fact, at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi, daily newspapers are not read by any sadhaks. They are available in the media section. In fact, the media section has a couple of television sets, they are always watching news channels. They use breaking news and prepare the newsletters based on them.

Psychological tricks

Once outside Sanatan Sanstha, I start to correlate these with the psychological techniques used on me. Sanatan has used many tricks and techniques and modified them. The end result is mind control. Dr Jayant Athavale seems to have spent several years in developing such techniques. I sometimes think that the Spiritual Science Research Foundation or SSRF is engaged in developing and refining such processes which can control the minds of the sadhaks. I was involved in the process for some time though not directly. Hypnosis has also been studied quite extensively, I know the person involved in doing so. I will not name her but she was an expert on this subject and she had confided that she learned this art from Dr Jayant Athavale. I was taught by this female sadhak and was involved in designing some of the mind control techniques. I did not understand the rationale behind them at that time but the process of testing was quite elaborate.

Sanatan Sanstha uses a process of punishment and motivation to keep the sadhaks at Sanatan Ashram Ponda under control. These psychological techniques lead to behavioral changes that can last a lifetime.

Circle of life at Sanatan Sanstha

Life soon settled down at Sanatan Sanstha. I was totally occupied in the daily routine and had little time and inclination to communicate with either my parents or family. They were in the grip of demonic spirits and were always lying and cheating and betraying my trust in them. Sanatan Ashram Ponda was my home and I was immersing myself in its Chaitanya under the blessings of my Guru Dr Jayant Athavale.

Prarabdh and Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi

It was not always smooth sailing at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. Life always is full of ups and downs. The character of a person is built on handling such ups and downs. Our Hindu Dharma says that prarabdha are the fruits of past karmas that we experience in this life. How we tackle them (karma) defines what fruits we get. Sanatan has taught this to me and I can understand the deep spiritual meaning of these words. I know that my family – my husband and my daughter are suffering because of their prarabdha and if they help me through their good karmas, they too will be able to escape from the unending cycle of life and death. I do not have any bad prarabdha as the stay at Sanatan Ashram Ponda has nullified all negativities of my life – past and present. All my karmas will have a positive impact from now onwards and I will be able to escape from the cycle of life and death in this birth itself.

Ups and downs at Sanatan Sanstha

Though I do only good karma, it is not always smooth sailing. The sanstha has many enlightened souls who identify my personality defects. Some of them are serious enough to warrant sustained penance. The most serious personality defect is my ego. I must face several issues due to this. Let me narrate one small incidence – small in nature but serious in its ramifications.

My samhasthi seva consists of prachar seva and I meet people and explain the importance of protecting Hindu Dharma, the importance of spirituality, the stellar role of Sanatan Sanstha as well as try to collect donations or sell our publications or newsletters. I am good at this and am proud of my performance. One day, I comment during a baithak about a new strategy adopted by me. This is not against Sanatan policy and I feel that if others adopt the policy, they will also be able to match my numbers. The sadhaks thank me for sharing this experience. I have shared it so that the sanstha benefits.

This creates an uproar after the baithak – meeting is over. I am called by the seniors and given a dressing down. They allege that I consider myself above Sanatan; they blame it on my ego. With immediate effect, I am asked to discontinue my prachar work. All benefits are immediately withdrawn. I cannot even leave Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. Communication is very fast and within one hour the news is spread across all sadhaks.

I am at a loss to understand this. I am doing a good job. Everyone was praising me till the previous day. What did I do wrong to get this punishment?

Building trust at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi

Though I felt betrayed when the Swagat Kaksh at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi did not pass information about my father’s illness, I did not assume the worst. I rationalised that they may have forgotten. Initially, I had doubted them but one sadhak approached me a couple of days afterwards and apologised for not passing the information.

Sanatan Sanstha rebuilds trust

She said that she had forgotten to do so and this was her personality defect. It had to be removed. She also mentioned this during the personality defect removal session in my presence. The other sadhaks took her for task and told her the seriousness. Because of her, I had been hurt, I had started doubting the sanstha. She was asked to do penance. I was also asked about my father’s health and told that Sanatan could provide good medical care at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. It would combine spiritual treatment as well and hence recovery would be fast. I should call up my parents immediately. I could not go personally as my education was in a critical phase and such disturbances would affect it. They had also information that my father was recovering and the critical phase had passed thanks to my devotion to the Guru; Dr Jayant Athavale.

Such good thoughts; such affection. Sanatan Sanstha was really full of people giving selfless service. Look at the strength of spiritual practise, my father was responding to the positive vibes generated by my devotion to spirituality. I was now fully convinced that I was on the right path.

I phoned up my parents immediately and after apologising, asked them to bring father to Sanatan Ashram Ponda for treatment. My mother said that he was not able to travel and I should visit him. I obviously could not do so and could not understand their insistence. Sanatan Sanstha was going to such trouble and they were not cooperating? I was sure that this was the effect of evil spirits.

Reflections

I recall the whole incident very clearly. I remember meeting the friend, the news about my father’s illness, my self-doubts and Sanatan’s generous offer. I realised the inconsistencies very late. The story built up by the sanstha had several glaring inconsistencies. I should have realised them sooner, but my mind was under their control. The major inconsistency was; how did they come to know that I was aware of my father’s illness? I had only told my rakshak and as subsequent incidents proved, she never shared such personal confidences with Sanatan Sanstha. Why did the sadhak apologise after several days. My father had suffered from stroke two months before I knew, so my brother had visited about two months back. Why was this brought up after such a time difference?

My parents had stopped communicating after this incident and my offer for treatment at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi acted like salt on a wound. I thought it was a generous offer but they took it in a totally different angle.

I was beyond any rational reasoning. Sanatan meant such a lot to me, my Guru; Dr Jayant Athavale, meant a lot to me. Anything else was irrelevant.

Sanatan Sanstha does not trust me

Some of the changes were subtle, but I got a feeling that Sanatan Sanstha does not trust me. I had tried to hide my true feelings, but they had read them. I could not meet my rakshak alone, nor could I call anybody without someone within earshot. My privacy was being invaded and I could do nothing about it.

Life goes on

I decided to shake off the feeling and continue with life. The next time my husband called me up, I was in Sanatan Ashram Ponda. I spoke normally with him; I knew that some sadhak was trying to listen to our conversation. I did not leave the room. I did not question him about my father; in fact, I did not speak to him about my father. Let him and the sanstha think that I am still unaware of my father’s condition. I had to think this out; I had to seek answers to several questions, I was still unaware of the questions.

The nights used to be spent in thinking; in compartmentalizing my doubts. Two important questions were

• Why did my husband not tell me about my father’s condition?
• Would Sanatan Sanstha stop me from visiting my father?

I had no idea what was going on; I was boiling inside but still the show had to go on.

I confront my husband

Things slowly started reverting back to normal once again at Sanatan Ashram Ponda. Sadhaks lost interest in me. I was becoming my old self again and had put the news behind me – or had I? Outwardly, I became normal, went out every day for prachar seva; attended all personality defect removal satsangs, spent time in chanting, would praise the Chaitanya of the ashram.

Inwardly, it was different.

I got an opportunity to speak to my husband from outside the Sanatan Sanstha Ashram. I used to call him only at night. This would ensure that we could speak freely without any disturbance and for a long period of time. But, one day, I called him from the bus stand. My minder had wandered off somewhere and I made sure that he was not nearby.

I called my husband. He picked up after many rings. I asked him straight away why had he hidden my father’s illness from me? What right did he have to hide such things from me?

He did not speak for quite some time, he allowed me to cool down. He offered no excuses, he just said that they thought that I did not care. I did not care about my family. I was beyond caring. They had called, my brother had called me as well as the swagat kaksh at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. I had not responded to either call. He had come to the ashram; he was told that I was not interested in meeting him. He had told the sadhaks at the counter that my father was hospitalized. They refused to let him meet me.

This was another shock. My husband does not lie. He must be speaking the truth.

I remembered that my brother had tried to meet me at the Sanatan Sanstha Ashram. I was busy in some work and I did not meet him. I remembered that he had called me several times. I was busy and had not responded. But, the ashram had not passed on the message about my father’s illness. They had not told me that he was hospitalized.

My rakshak was right after all. I could not trust Sanatan Sanstha. 

No escape route from Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi

I am deeply affected on hearing about the paralytic stroke attack on my father and want to leave Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi for a day and visit him. My rakshak, an angel in disguise advises me against doing so. What is the harm, why would Sanatan Sanstha not allow me to do so? I will come back; I want to come back. My spiritual journey has just started under the guidance of Dr Jayant Athavale. I don’t want to discontinue it.

No exit door at Sanatan Sanstha

I don’t believe that there is no exit door in Sanatan Sanstha. I have been told repeatedly that the doors of Sanatan Sanstha Ramnathi are always open, we can come anytime we want to and leave whenever we want to. Then, why does my rakshak say otherwise? Does she have any previous experience? She refuses to discuss this any further.

I need to start thinking on these lines. But my mind just does not cooperate. On one hand, I want to go immediately and inform the sanstha about the advice given by my rakshak. But, something stops me just in time. I don’t disclose anything about the conversation in the next day’s personality defect removal process. I am asked about the previous day and the reason for my actions. I cook up a story. The sadhaks don’t believe me but they don’t question me either. I can feel that they have lost a little bit of trust in me.

End of trust

Sanatan Sanstha takes some measures immediately. I am still allowed to go out but now sadhaks pick me from Sanatan Sanstha Ashram and drop me back inside it. I am not left alone for a single minute. There are other restrictions, I can feel them. I am shadowed continuously even in the Sanatan Ashram Ponda. It is not obvious but I can feel it. A sadhak always accompanies me for all the activities. I know her as she has been in the ashram for quite some years. She tries to gain my trust. She offers to share new information or help me with clothes. But, in my heart, I simply cannot trust her.

I feel all alone now. I cannot meet my rakshak even for one minute. I cannot attend any phone calls; she is always within earshot. She sleeps on the bed next to mine. I feel as if I am trapped.

Why should I feel trapped? Is it my mind that is playing tricks on me? Am I imagining thinks; searching for evil intensions where none exists?

Sanatan Sanstha is educating people on the proper Dharma, it is giving education; scientific education on Hindu Dharma, why should it restrict people leaving the organization? There is no reason to do it. I think, my mind is playing tricks on me. Perhaps, the rakshak is not a good person, she seems to have evil intensions and is trying to defame Sanatan.

I am confused. On one hand I am very much concerned about my father’s health, and on another I am worried about the sanstha.

Rakshak to the defence – again

The shock is too much for me. I have not attended any session in the evening nor have I eaten dinner. I refuse to speak to anyone. I am not crying, I am beyond crying. For the time in more than 40 years, I feel I am alone; totally alone in this world. I hate my husband; he should have at least told me. Why did he always lie that they were okay? That they did not want to talk to me. Why did my little brother not talk to me?

A helping hand

I am lying on my bed; I am unable to sleep. All around me, sadhaks are going through the daily routine prescribed by Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. I am all alone in this vast world. I feel like I am falling in a big black hole. I can only think of my father; waiting for his darling Barbie to come and see him. I think of running away, running away from Sanatan Sanstha for a day and dashing off to see my father.

I feel a hand on my head, a little after midnight, after everyone has gone to sleep. My rakshak whispers in my ear softly and asks me to follow her. She takes me to a small room, a small dark room and closes the door. She takes me in her arms and whispers in my ears. I cannot control myself and start crying – not sobbing but crying softly. She lets me cry my heart out. When I cannot cry anymore she gives me a glass of water and some biscuits to eat. I don’t know from where she has managed these. She is dependent on the sanstha’s handouts for her daily needs.

I tell her about the news, about my father, about his illness. I open up about everything, I open my heart out. And start crying again.

The morning after

Sometime during all this, she leads me to another room with a bed and makes me go to sleep. I wake up to find her sitting on a stool holding my hand and staring at nothing. She seems to be crying. I again drift into sleep.

She wakes me up at around 5 am. Asks me to freshen up and wash my face with cold water. After I am through, she preaches me, preaches about how life is not always a bed of roses. But, most important of all, she advices me on how to handle the situation. She tells me how Sanatan Sanstha functions and what actions they will take if they know that I am thinking of visiting my parents. She coaches me and coaxes me to remain firm, strong and behave as if everything is okay. I have to maintain my routine; I have to continue with life.

There is no escape; I cannot escape. It is my prarabdha and I have to live through it; I have to experience it myself. My karmas during this time will define what I am and what I can become.

Heartbreak corner – Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi

I have a very tight schedule at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. This leaves me little time to speak with my family; I am so tired sometimes that I cannot even respond to their phone calls. My husband is very understanding. The fights we had early on have now given way to some civilised conversation; I still need him to provide for money, clothes and other essentials of life. Though others think that I have taken Sannyas, I still live a life of Grishta ashram and follow the practises of Sanatan Sanstha. The only difference is that I live in an ashram and don’t have any responsibilities towards my family, my responsibility is only towards my Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale.

Deep Hurt

I am also deeply hurt that my parents have contacted me only once. I spoke to them after I landed at Sanatan Ashram Panvel. I am very close to my father and his attitude has hurt me very badly. How can he not understand the inner feelings of his little daughter? Why is he so insensitive, why has he become so uncaring? I refuse the sanstha’s explanation that demonic spirits are controlling him; my father cannot be possessed by evil spirits; he is too strong for them.

The H-bomb and my numbness

One day while waiting for a bus back to Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi, I run into an old acquaintance staying near my parent’s house. On seeing me, he tries to turn away, but I run after him. I must speak to him; I have to speak to him. Why does he have to run away? Have I done something wrong? I am doing good work, I am promoting Sanatan Dharma, what is wrong about it?

After exchanging niceties, he again tries to dodge me. He avoids my searching eyes; he is hiding something from me.

I finally muster enough courage to ask him about my parents. I accuse them of being insensitive and uncaring. He flinches and then becomes angry, very angry. He shouts at me. I am shocked. His wife takes me on one side and asks me softly when was the last time I spoke to my parents.

I know something is wrong, something is seriously wrong.

Her next words are more shattering; they ring in my ears; they still do after so many years.

She tells me that soon after I left, my father suffered from a paralytic stoke and his entire left side has been affected. He cannot speak or he refuses to speak.

I am devastated, shocked and numbed. I search for words but find none.

They leave immediately without answering any further questions. I am also not in the condition to ask any more questions.

I am drained, all my life juices have flown out of me.

Like a robot, I reach Sanatan Ashram Ponda.

Why me? What have I done wrong? Why should I be punished like this?

Afternoon sessions and Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi

The pre-lunch sessions can stretch quite long as I have a tight schedule dictated by Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. There are times when I miss my lunch. As Sanatan Sanstha has adviced me not to eat food outside, I spend many days without any proper food. It is a small sacrifice I make in the service of my Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale and I do not mind it at all; in fact, I am quite proud of this and other sadhaks praise this attitude.

Post-lunch Sessions and Satsangs

Even though I may not have eaten anything, I still must attend the afternoon satsangs. Several personality defects have been identified in the morning sessions and I must do penance to rid them from my inner self. This will enable me to lose myself and my identity. The subjects of these satsangs revolve around Gurukrupayoga, personality defect removal process, importance of Samashti seva as well as importance of traditions and different festivals as prescribed by Sanatan Dharma. Sanatan Sanstha has a very good collection of publications and through the scientific research conducted by Spiritual Science Research Foundation or SSRF in short, they have explained the scientific reasoning behind our traditions.

There are several repetitions in the subjects, I do not mind this. I am still a novice and have a lot to learn. I have sacrificed my life to sit in the lap of my Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale.

Post afternoon sessions

I leave for my prachar work as soon as the satsangs end. I spend about four hours in the morning and afternoon prachar sessions. The return to Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi is around 7 pm, just in time for a light dinner. Dinner is very simple and consists of rice and dal. The hectic schedule and the Chaitanya of the ashram ensures that my diet intake is very less.

I do not mind even though I have lost a lot of weight during the three months at Sanatan Ashram Ponda.

Once our dinner is over, we attend a session of personality defect removal process for a couple of hours. Then, we have free time. We spend this time discussing various issues facing the country and the excellent steps undertaken by Sanatan Sanstha to resolve them. Such discussions generally last for two to three hours and it is generally 11 pm by the time I go to sleep. I don’t feel like sleeping and hence I spend at least another hour or two in doing naamjap – chanting.

I am accountable to my time and feel that sleep is actually a waste of time. I should rather use this time for some productive work. Contacting my family is also a waste of time. I don’t have anything to discuss with them. I don’t attend to their calls most of the days. I hope they get the message and leave me alone. I will contact me when I need something from them, like clothes and money. Otherwise, they should not worry about me and disturb me in my seva. Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi is taking good care and has everything I need.

Pre-lunch sessions at Sanatan Ashram Ponda

After completing a hectic morning schedule, Sanatan Ashram Ponda has lined up a more exhaustive pre-lunch session. As my principal seva consists of prachar, I need to move out of the ashram. Sanatan Sanstha depends upon pracharaks like me to attract new followers, enlist subscribers to the newsletters and to solicit donations.

Prachar and Samashti seva

Prachar is considered to be a high level of samashti seva. Prachar means publicity and consists of meeting people outside the organization and involving them in the sanstha’s activities. This may be the first point of contact for normal people with Sanatan Sanstha and hence utmost care has to be taken. Generally, only people staying in the locality or people with a higher standing in Sanatan are given this work. Looking at my abilities, I am, however, given this work but told that in case I am unable to carry out this responsibility, it will be taken back from me. I am honored to be given such a big responsibility.

A pracharak has to be very well dressed and presentable. As I do not have sufficient clothes, I expect the sanstha to help me out. But no help materializes, instead I am told to ask from my husband. After all, it is his responsibility, I am told. I tell him during one of our routine conversation. He arranges to send some money to me to arrange for the clothes. I know that he is under some sort of financial trouble, he has never expressed anything but my intuition is generally right in such cases. Despite this, he arranges for some money and promises to bring some clothes during our next meeting. We have always purchased clothes together and I always liked the clothes he used to select for me; this is a first time that I, alone, will be choosing my own clothes. Is this freedom? I have a lump in my throat during the purchases and hurry through them.

Prachar Seva

Sanatan Sanstha has allotted an area for me. I am always accompanied by a local person who collects me from Sanatan Ashram Ponda. Initially, I resented this but the various explanations given convinced me that the sanstha is doing this to protect me. I am a simple person who wants to devote my life for the seva of my Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale. Hence, I do not read too much in this. The area is near Ponda and sometimes the local person drops me to Ponda bus top where I catch a bus to Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi.

Yes, I too start calling the ashram as Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi and not Sanatan Ashram Ponda.

I am very good at prachar seva and within a short time, I have established a regular band of followers in the allotted area. This is appreciated at Sanatan Sanstha and I am praised at various forums.

But, a small piece of news from my hometown and my success bring my downfall. A downfall so great that I feel like leaving everything and ending everything immediately.