Heartbreak corner – Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi

I have a very tight schedule at Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi. This leaves me little time to speak with my family; I am so tired sometimes that I cannot even respond to their phone calls. My husband is very understanding. The fights we had early on have now given way to some civilised conversation; I still need him to provide for money, clothes and other essentials of life. Though others think that I have taken Sannyas, I still live a life of Grishta ashram and follow the practises of Sanatan Sanstha. The only difference is that I live in an ashram and don’t have any responsibilities towards my family, my responsibility is only towards my Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale.

Deep Hurt

I am also deeply hurt that my parents have contacted me only once. I spoke to them after I landed at Sanatan Ashram Panvel. I am very close to my father and his attitude has hurt me very badly. How can he not understand the inner feelings of his little daughter? Why is he so insensitive, why has he become so uncaring? I refuse the sanstha’s explanation that demonic spirits are controlling him; my father cannot be possessed by evil spirits; he is too strong for them.

The H-bomb and my numbness

One day while waiting for a bus back to Sanatan Ashram Ramnathi, I run into an old acquaintance staying near my parent’s house. On seeing me, he tries to turn away, but I run after him. I must speak to him; I have to speak to him. Why does he have to run away? Have I done something wrong? I am doing good work, I am promoting Sanatan Dharma, what is wrong about it?

After exchanging niceties, he again tries to dodge me. He avoids my searching eyes; he is hiding something from me.

I finally muster enough courage to ask him about my parents. I accuse them of being insensitive and uncaring. He flinches and then becomes angry, very angry. He shouts at me. I am shocked. His wife takes me on one side and asks me softly when was the last time I spoke to my parents.

I know something is wrong, something is seriously wrong.

Her next words are more shattering; they ring in my ears; they still do after so many years.

She tells me that soon after I left, my father suffered from a paralytic stoke and his entire left side has been affected. He cannot speak or he refuses to speak.

I am devastated, shocked and numbed. I search for words but find none.

They leave immediately without answering any further questions. I am also not in the condition to ask any more questions.

I am drained, all my life juices have flown out of me.

Like a robot, I reach Sanatan Ashram Ponda.

Why me? What have I done wrong? Why should I be punished like this?

A week at Sanatan Ashram Ponda

Sanatan Sanstha counsels me

After a frustrating week at Sanatan Ashram Devad, I reach Sanatan Ashram Ponda. My flight so far has been tiring but very exhilarating. My mind is kind of numb, I can only feel Chaitanya all around me. The week at Devad was very depressing. I had plenty of time and nothing much to do. I had started doubting the decision. The next week, at Ponda, changed my thought process. I felt alive seeing all the sadhaks busy in promoting Sanatan Dharma and engaged in their own spiritual pursuits under the direct guidance of the Guru. I did not meet Dr Jayant Athavale and was told that he is engaged in deep meditation as the world was facing a severe crisis.

The feel of Sanatan Ashram Ponda

All the occupants appeared to be very happy; we call it Anand and the nearest definition in English is Bliss. They appeared to have a daily routine and would be engaged in various activities. The ashram was very peaceful, Sanatan Sanstha ensured that there was total tranquillity. People spoke very softly and sweetly; there were no quarrels and the occupants were always ready to help each other. I had never experienced such peace in my life. My rakshak was very helpful, she would not leave my side. She was my companion for the initial days; she was my guide during some very turbulent times. I got very close with her and she helped me find my way. She, however, never shared any personal details with me and advised me not to share any such details with anyone.

Ignore the advice at your own peril

Sanatan Sanstha and the spiritual pursuits appeared to be intertwined.  I was yet to be fully exposed to this. As a preparation, I needed to be counseled properly; they called it the unlearning process. More of this will be touched upon at a later stage.

My rakshak had not shared any personal details with me. But, during my interaction with the Sanstha, I was asked several personal questions. One day, when my mental condition had improved, I was called to one small meeting room with 3-4 occupants. I was asked to describe my experiences from the beginning. During the process, I was asked several probing and personal questions; I was not comfortable with answering some of them but was told that I needed to open up so all negative energies could be removed.

Some questions related to the income and wealth details of my family, their attitude, and political connections. I was asked about my relatives and their financial status. Both sides of my family are well to do and my in-laws are also politically well connected.

One continuous refrain was the absence of any effort from my family to take me back. I too was surprised and frankly a little hurt. Nobody had met me during the past 10 odd days. It hurt me. The sadhaks asked me to continue receiving calls from everyone and to invite them to visit Sanatan Ashram Ponda.

The week at Ponda provided me the first insight in the working of Sanatan Sanstha. I was very happy and delighted. I felt that the true difference between happiness and Anand. My rakshak was very cooperative and helpful. Sanstha used these days to counsel me to remove the negative vibes from my body. I was hurt that none of my family had come to meet me.

The initial days – Sanatan Ashram Goa

Sanatan Ashram – a safe sanctuary

After spending almost, a week at Sanatan Ashram, Devad, I reach Sanatan Ashram, Ponda – the main temple where my Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale resides. I can feel the Chaitanya of the place from far. I step down on the railway station and feel the presence of my Guru.

Sadhaks whisk me away quickly to the ashram and I feel enveloped by powerful positive vibes. I feel that I have reached a safe place. There are many sadhaks in the reception area; it is referred to as Swagat Kaksh but I am taken directly to a small room. The room has only two beds and soon another lady sadhak joins me. She introduces herself (will not disclose her name, but she plays a very important part in my experiences at the ashram).

I do not have any belongings with me; I have not taken anything from my home as per the advice of the Sanstha. A dress was arranged at Devad, so I have just two dresses. She arranges for some clothes; they are all sarees and other assortment; all ill-fitting.   Sarees are good as they don’t come in sizes and can fit anybody. I think about the saree collection I have left behind on the advice of Sanatan. I had plenty of good dresses and sarees.

Making myself at home – Sanatan Ashram Ponda

My coordinator (I will call her my rakshak; because that’s her role) sees that I am comfortable and have some daily requirements. She takes me on an extended tour of the ashram starting with the third floor. Sanatan Sanstha has designated the third floor as sleeping quarters. The five-floor high building has different sections but the most private one is the third floor. Once I am settled in and freshen myself, I am taken to the dining area where I take some food.

I meet the main trustee of the Ashram. I know him as I have met him earlier at Satara some years back when I had just joined Sanatan Sanstha. He had given a series of talks on the attacks on Hindu Dharma and Sanatan Dharma and how devotion to our Guru, Dr Jayanat Athavale can save us and the mankind. The office has several other persons; I don’t remember all of them but there is a doctor and a psychologist and a couple of saints. They enquire about my health and about my journey. After spending just 10-15 minutes on these topics, they change it very naturally and start talking about my family and a lack of response from them. One of the saint even comments that my family was expected to take drastic action against Sanatan Sanstha as they are well-known Sanstha-haters. They are surprised that no such action has been taken and no efforts made to talk to me and ask me to return. They show this as a lack of love from their side; a lack of understanding.

This is the first time that I think about the muted response from both my family and parents. They have urged me to return many times on the phone but even after 10 days, they have not visited me or come to meet me. My father, the one closest to me, has not even talked to me. This is their selfishness; this is a proof that they never loved me. Sanatan Sanstha has stood with me in these difficult times. My Guru, Dr Jayant Athavale has stood with me during such times.